Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Loving AND/OR Liking? I'll take BOTH please!!

It's Pour Your Heart out Day

Today - I finally had some time to read some blogs.....not JUST spill my guts and emotions all over the screen.  But when I read this post (over at Things I Can't Say) I have to say... I have been having these feelings too and I'm using THIS post and Shell's courage to therapeutically put this out there too - because something's gotta give.  And THIS is why I started blogging in the first place....To be open and honest - and while trying to be uplifting and sharing my good days... I also need to share the bad.  Because people need to know #1 - they are not alone.  and #2 - people are here for PEOPLE!  Sometimes you give and give and give.......and sometimes, you just NEED.  Period.
God sends us through situations and he sends us people to learn from their situations AND he gives us the ability to share ours  - so that in some way - each and every one of us pay it forward by helping someone else.
So please, bear with me while I pour my heart out...

Tomorrow will be my 2 month wedding anniversary.  TWO MONTHS!!
I can hardly even believe that I have been MARRIED for two months.  It's a miracle really.  That God finally brought me and showed me that there IS someone for me.  That I do have a partner to walk through this crazy life together with.  He showed me that just when I put my faith in Him and trusted Him with my life and attempted to walk on alone, HE showed me that He did have a plan for me.
I found the absolute love of my life.
Preacher T proposed, we were engaged.  Planned a wedding, walked down the aisle, signed a piece of paper and boom - it was done.
And the next week, life began.  We worked on getting T moved in, rearranged my house into "our" house, moved my son upstairs, made a room for his girls..... we went to work, I went to school.  LIFE continued on.

and somewhere along the way...
The person I fell in love with, left...
(NO, not literally)

Now - don't get wrong.  I LOVE this man.  That is NOT what I mean.  I love him with all my heart - and for anyone that knows me, you KNOW I would NEVER walk down an aisle to meet a man that I didn't love with my every being.  And i do.  I love him just as much today as I ever did!!!

But I don't like who we've become....where we have ended up.

And although I have tried to explain this to T time and time again - I'm either not getting through - or I'm CRAZY!!!
Or maybe I'm just a BIG freaking BABY??!
or MAYBE my expectations were too high??

I just feel like 2 months in we should still be in that "newlywed bliss"... no matter WHAT life throws at us!!
And truth be told... I feel like it (the "bliss") ended on our wedding night.  Oh we have moments... and days.... and segments of "bliss" - but here lately - I feel like I'm living with a stranger.
and everyone and everything else is suddenly SO much more important than me.
I got married and took a back seat.
All the hopes and dreams and plans and promises that we talked about for so long have somehow flown out the window.
And somehow for some reason I feel like a stranger in my own life.
My son has moved out.
My husband moved in.
I quit my job.
I started school full time.
I work back in the food industry.
{{scratch that - today I was told my availability with school is not working out for them}}
I no longer make enough money to support myself.
and possibly now, don't have a job

My life has changed SO much in the past 3 months that I hardly even recognize it anymore.  Don't get me wrong, change is good.... and things are GOOD in my life.  God is definitely taking care of us... but some days, when I need more than anything for my best friend to be here with me... he's too busy worrying about other things to realize that I'm changing too.

We promised to always love and cherish each other and ALWAYS ALWAYS put each other first.
I don't know how that got so off track.

How many times can I talk about it and how do I get back to "liking" my husband again.

I do LOVE the man I married
but I sure don't like the stranger I lay down with at night......

{{He's gone all week this week........and although I'm all about some "me time" and I'm fine in my house on my own.... I have never felt THIS "alone" even when I really WAS alone...}}

Monday, October 18, 2010

Things aren't bad... they're just different

When I was a child, I wanted to grow up to be a veterinarian.
That's what I wanted.
I LOOOOVED animals... loved them.  And that's what I thought I could do best with my big ol' heart.
But then I found out that sometimes you have to put animals to sleep.  Sometimes they get sick and they die.  And I couldn't deal with that.
So I changed my mind.
I didn't have the heart for that.

Then I wanted to be a teacher.
But I soon realized that when God was handing out patience, I was in the bathroom.  I have none.  Not meant to be a teacher....
oh yeah - AND I HATE public speaking!  ha ha

moving on......

At some point, I think I got lost.
Forgot what I had to offer or where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do with my life.
I threw away the big picture and just focused on having fun.
I lost ME
So I did what I could do to get by.
Paid the bills, did what I could.
Made some mistakes... and quickly learned from them.
Not such a bad thing..... some jobs and days were better than others
But still at the end of the road - I didn't know who I was anymore.

So - things were different than I expected.
I was still determined to fight my way through and find my way.

Funny thing is:
I have found the job I want.  I'm working towards it and getting closer and closer everyday.
I can't wait to finish school and start.  It's a perfect combination of working with my hands, working with technology and at the same time, doing it with ALL  the HEART and COMPASSION and LOVE that I have to give.
I can't wait.

It's hard and toiling and it takes me away from so many things in my life right now....
BUT...when I step back and take a minute to breathe and take in the big picture - I realize, things aren't bad, they're just DIFFERENT.
And one day, when I'm finished tearing myself apart to be where and WHO I want to be.... someday - I will get to turn around and do nothing but give back.
THAT's me.
THAT's what drives me.
THAT's the me I want to be.

With that figured out (for today anyway) - as a twist (cuz my life seems to be just FULL of them)  - it seems when one thing starts to make sense - everything else gets more confusing.

Things change in relationships.
Things change in families.
Things change at work.
Things change spiritually.
Habits change.
People change.
People SAY they are gonna change.
Goals change.
PATHS change.
 Things change EVERY day.

Turns out life as a whole IS hard and it DOES take work and LOTS of faith and praying.
All of it.
and more often than not - it's "different" than we expected.
some days are harder than others....
and some days I get frustrated because what I thought would be my life.... is not.

It doesn't mean life or things are bad, they are just DIFFERENT.
and we just have to keep fighting our way through...
{{and I SURE have been doing a WHOLE LOT of praying!}}

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I don't see me anymore

When I look at you
I don't see me anymore
Just an empty shell
that used to be my home

When you look in my eyes
tell me who do you see
Because the girl staring back
is not who she used to be

There once was a time
when I saw me in your eyes
I was strong, I was good
and together we could face anything

Life has come in and carried us on
and the love that we share and the me that I knew
has changed with the time
leaving just my empty soul-less eyes

The who that we are today
is not the who that we were
Time has marched on
our dreams fade and change

And though there is nothing I can do
but let time take it's course
and let you be you...
The me in your eyes
and the me in the mirror
is not the me that I know

{{Nothing in this blog is directed at any one person or thing in my life.... just random thoughts and emotions from life... put to pen!  
Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by how MUCH life has changed and how quick - that I don't know where I fit, or if I fit AT ALL  ..... and some days, I don't know who I am anymore....}}

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Some days you won't - but one day you will...

I haven't shared alot lately.
Life has been kinda crazy.
Up and down
Alot of things have changed in my life and every day seems to reveal a new hurdle in some way.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not in any way saying life is bad.
Life is great... it just depends on who's eyes your using to look at it.
We all fall victim to putting on those glasses that only reveal what's WRONG with our lives.
While there is so much good happening all around me, I also see so many people hurting... confused... sadness... lack of direction.  Just so many things that are unanswered.
Truth is this....
EVERY day we are surrounded by unanswered questions.
And it's not just you... it's me.  It's everyone.
We focus so hard on trying to fix everything and everyone that we forget..... if we would just lay those unanswered questions and problems in God's hands and stop questioning everything  - one day - it will make sense.  And all this unnecessary worry will just be futile.

So - for all my loved ones... friends, family, blogger buddies... everyone in my life questioning life and your purpose and where your going and WHY things don't seem to be going right - I just felt the desire to share...

If you had told me 3 years ago to just be patient... that God was working on me and that he had a plan...
if you had told me 1 year ago that I would meet a man and fall in love and be married in less than a year...
if you had told me that I would married to a preacher...
if you had told me that one day it would be possible for me to be back in school full time...
if you had told me that a career change was in my near future...

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Trust in that... it sure does take the burden off of your shoulders and allows you to enjoy every day and see all the things you are truly blessed with.  Take off those jaded, bitter, fix-it-yourself glasses and see your life through God's eyes.  He has plans for us all..... if we would only let him have control.

I read this quote from a pastor's facebook page and I wanted to share it with all of you.

Even if you think it, refuse to speak negative words about yourself: I'm no good; I'm fat; I'll probably lose my job; my health is failing....etc. Spoken words strengthen or corrupt your faith! My friend: you can do all things through Christ. With God, all things are possible. Let the words of your mouth and meditations of your heart be acceptable in God's sight.  Criticizing yourself is as bad as criticizing others. You are a loved child of God. God doesn't make junk.

Also - I posted the lyrics and the video to a song below.  Take time to read them and listen to the song.  Stop focusing on what's going wrong and be thankful for what's going right and what your future holds  :-)

You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

[Repeat Chorus]

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of